Christmas Eve...
The day started out fine. Up with Granny in the morning. We started cooking some things for Christmas day. Then about 10:30am we leave to visit my uncle. We stayed there for almost an hour, then we leave to go watch Frozen which is a pretty good movie. Upon returning home we find a small blue car trying to run over our dogs. We stop to check the mail on the way in, and the guy jumps out of his car "Your dog bit me! I called the cops!" Some other things were said which have slipped my mind, and we drove up into our property. I chained Sandy up with a lock so Papa couldn't set her loose again. I already knew she didn't like people she doesn't know, and I knew she chased bikers. This wasn't the first time. I had been keeping her chained, but he kept letting her loose, and I didn't know how to make him stop. Unfortunately for everyone I didn't think about the lock until after this happened. I cried. I cried in fear of my dog's life, I cried that it was ultimately my fault someone got physically hurt, I cried because maybe Sandy wouldn't have done that if I'd been more diligent with her in training her. It didn't take very long for the officer to show up. He talked to the man that got bit, then he came and talked to us. In the end it was said that I will get to keep Sandy for now. She has to be kept in the yard or they will take her away. There will be a fine, and we will get the medical bill from the man getting his laceration checked out. And possible a call from animal control to check out Sandy.
This all hit me rather hard as I have had a really easy life here up until this point. This is only the second rather major thing to happen, and on Christmas Eve no less!
Christmas day was much less eventful. It started off nicely. Granny and I walked the dogs, and we had a nice staying at home day with our Christmas Dinner. At 5pm we went to church, came home and played Scrabble for the 3rd&4th time that day. Then watched Tv, and off to bed.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
cruise.
We left on the 8th of December to head to Charleston. From there we board the ship on the 9th, just after 12:00pm(noon). Things went well over all on the cruise. There was a lack of things for me to do. My favorite time was dinner time. We had an assigned table with these other people; the table sat 10. A father and his son(9yo) where the life of the evening. We all had a good time, and each other was the only reason they and we went to eat dinner that late (8:15pm).
Granny and I went on a tour in Nassau. It was fun. We bought a T-shirt, and little turtle yoyos, and I got a gift for my brother. We also stopped at Freeport, where we got a dress, a necklace, and earrings for myself.
One funny thing: Here we are on a cruise to the Bahamas, and what do Granny and I do? We play Parcheesi, and Scrabble. We could hardly play on the small board they had when we are used to the extended edition of Scrabble!
The weather was wonderful. It was 70-80 the whole time. Only just today am I finally getting my land legs back. It is interesting how the world keeps tilting once you're off the boat.
Granny and I went on a tour in Nassau. It was fun. We bought a T-shirt, and little turtle yoyos, and I got a gift for my brother. We also stopped at Freeport, where we got a dress, a necklace, and earrings for myself.
One funny thing: Here we are on a cruise to the Bahamas, and what do Granny and I do? We play Parcheesi, and Scrabble. We could hardly play on the small board they had when we are used to the extended edition of Scrabble!
The weather was wonderful. It was 70-80 the whole time. Only just today am I finally getting my land legs back. It is interesting how the world keeps tilting once you're off the boat.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
teachers...
I have always wanted teacher to teach me things, instead of having to just learn things on my own.
While I have gained a teacher in everyday life, I still have wish for those able to teach me more on other things. Things like my art(photography, painting, drawing, writing), and things like studying the Bible.
While I do my best with reading the Word, I feel I am lacking in knowing anything about it. I do not know the background(s) in which it was written, or much of any of the history or customs of the day. I know little in what the words could really mean, which causes much confusion to me. I believe no man can fully understand every passage and every word in the Bible, for there is always more to learn. But I wish I had more understanding.
I am okay with having my grandmother and God Himself as my only teachers. Both have much to teach me (probably more than I'll ever learn) But as a human being, I sometimes want a little more.
I used to think I was doing well on teaching myself anything and everything I needed to know. It was only once I had someone to teach me more than I thought I'd need to know that I realized how poor a job I was doing. Though, I think some of it a person just can't teach themselves.
I've never learned that well from books. I just don't retain much of what I read. I retain from things I hear and images I see, and things I feel, This makes it harder to learn things that aren't "hands-on".
With doing a chore or such, I do best when shown what to do. Fewer mistakes are made when repeating actions, versus trying to make words into actions.
While I have gained a teacher in everyday life, I still have wish for those able to teach me more on other things. Things like my art(photography, painting, drawing, writing), and things like studying the Bible.
While I do my best with reading the Word, I feel I am lacking in knowing anything about it. I do not know the background(s) in which it was written, or much of any of the history or customs of the day. I know little in what the words could really mean, which causes much confusion to me. I believe no man can fully understand every passage and every word in the Bible, for there is always more to learn. But I wish I had more understanding.
I am okay with having my grandmother and God Himself as my only teachers. Both have much to teach me (probably more than I'll ever learn) But as a human being, I sometimes want a little more.
I used to think I was doing well on teaching myself anything and everything I needed to know. It was only once I had someone to teach me more than I thought I'd need to know that I realized how poor a job I was doing. Though, I think some of it a person just can't teach themselves.
I've never learned that well from books. I just don't retain much of what I read. I retain from things I hear and images I see, and things I feel, This makes it harder to learn things that aren't "hands-on".
With doing a chore or such, I do best when shown what to do. Fewer mistakes are made when repeating actions, versus trying to make words into actions.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
packing.
Today I am getting things ready for the cruise which is coming up fast. I am doing some house cleaning, because who wants to come home to a dirty house? I have my list to make sure I don't forget anything. One thing I am slightly unsure about is I am not going to take anything to cuddle at night. Though I did give up most all my toys, I still use a rabbit to hold up my arm when I lay on my side... This helps keep my shoulder from hurting. I pray it isn't a problem for me, but I feel rather determined to take with trip without anything cuddly.
The job thing is only a few days away now. I try not to think too much about it, as I tend to make myself nervous.
Mostly my life is quiet lately. Not much to say. Even with all the holidays all around, the only change is the kind of food really. And that hasn't changed much.
Last night the cats knocked over our 2foot tall tree, and had several ornaments spread around the floor. It is funny to watch these cats. GrayGray likes to roll in bread like it is catnip. Gracey is always bringing in some rodent, dead or alive. Precious is the queen of the house, and is always fighting with Gracey.
I know the day will come when I will which I had more free time like I have now, but right now I wish I had a little more to fill my time. Not a lot... just a little.
The job thing is only a few days away now. I try not to think too much about it, as I tend to make myself nervous.
Mostly my life is quiet lately. Not much to say. Even with all the holidays all around, the only change is the kind of food really. And that hasn't changed much.
Last night the cats knocked over our 2foot tall tree, and had several ornaments spread around the floor. It is funny to watch these cats. GrayGray likes to roll in bread like it is catnip. Gracey is always bringing in some rodent, dead or alive. Precious is the queen of the house, and is always fighting with Gracey.
I know the day will come when I will which I had more free time like I have now, but right now I wish I had a little more to fill my time. Not a lot... just a little.
Friday, November 29, 2013
The day is coming.
Many days are coming... Lord willing.
But the closest is when I go to see about getting a job. Above all the feelings like excitement, and curiosity looms a dark feeling of anxiety. I want to go and earn money and do something with my day... but I've never really done anything before, and I'll have to deal with people, and a bunch of other things that all together just make me want to cry and hide.
I've have to do 19 years of growing up in the last 6 months. Most the time everything is really terrifying and confusing. A few things now and then, once I am in the mist of it all, really aren't all that bad. Then there is everything else.
Every day is a battle for my mind. Every day I have to figure out some thing that will make me a little better, and a little more independent, and a little more capable. Thankfully I have a teacher who is willing to throw me into the deep water and say "swim.", But also willing to keep me from drowning.
Before a few months ago I never thought I would even live to see 20, now I think I just might. Honestly, a few years ago I never thought I'd reach the age of 18. I never thought of the non-landmark ages. Now I really don't think about reaching an age or not... I know I'm not going to try to stop it.
The time has come and gone since I would hurt myself or wish for death. Though the world is scary and overwhelming at times, I know none of that is the answer. I know now that things ought to be different, which I didn't know before. No one told me what life was, or why I should live it. The only thing I was told by my parents was that trying to kill myself would never work, it'd only make me more miserable.
Now, the day is coming that I will step out into the "real world" and start the first steps in providing for myself.
I must face many things I don't like in life; I must do things I don't *really* want to do; I must go through some bad stuff... But I know it's all kinda worth it... why? Well because of love. Because someone was willing to pull me out of the mud that was choking the life out of me, and say "I love you. I want you to live a good life. I want you to be an independent and capable person." Because of my wonderful Grandmother, sent by God Himself, I am here, and the day is soon coming that I will be an independent and capable person. The first jump into that icy water comes on the 6th of December. I'm (almost) ready.
But the closest is when I go to see about getting a job. Above all the feelings like excitement, and curiosity looms a dark feeling of anxiety. I want to go and earn money and do something with my day... but I've never really done anything before, and I'll have to deal with people, and a bunch of other things that all together just make me want to cry and hide.
I've have to do 19 years of growing up in the last 6 months. Most the time everything is really terrifying and confusing. A few things now and then, once I am in the mist of it all, really aren't all that bad. Then there is everything else.
Every day is a battle for my mind. Every day I have to figure out some thing that will make me a little better, and a little more independent, and a little more capable. Thankfully I have a teacher who is willing to throw me into the deep water and say "swim.", But also willing to keep me from drowning.
Before a few months ago I never thought I would even live to see 20, now I think I just might. Honestly, a few years ago I never thought I'd reach the age of 18. I never thought of the non-landmark ages. Now I really don't think about reaching an age or not... I know I'm not going to try to stop it.
The time has come and gone since I would hurt myself or wish for death. Though the world is scary and overwhelming at times, I know none of that is the answer. I know now that things ought to be different, which I didn't know before. No one told me what life was, or why I should live it. The only thing I was told by my parents was that trying to kill myself would never work, it'd only make me more miserable.
Now, the day is coming that I will step out into the "real world" and start the first steps in providing for myself.
I must face many things I don't like in life; I must do things I don't *really* want to do; I must go through some bad stuff... But I know it's all kinda worth it... why? Well because of love. Because someone was willing to pull me out of the mud that was choking the life out of me, and say "I love you. I want you to live a good life. I want you to be an independent and capable person." Because of my wonderful Grandmother, sent by God Himself, I am here, and the day is soon coming that I will be an independent and capable person. The first jump into that icy water comes on the 6th of December. I'm (almost) ready.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
looking forward.
This title has two meanings of which will soon be explained.
First, I am looking forward the Thanksgiving, the cruise to the Bahama's, Christmas, and the start of a whole new year. I am looking forward to getting a job, meeting people, and doing things, and just living life.
Second, I am looking forward, not back. I am seeing what I can do, and what I can learn to make something of my God given abilities. I am seriously considering taking photography classes and finding a way to make some money from that. I am looking at the good possibilities in my life. I am looking forward.
First, I am looking forward the Thanksgiving, the cruise to the Bahama's, Christmas, and the start of a whole new year. I am looking forward to getting a job, meeting people, and doing things, and just living life.
Second, I am looking forward, not back. I am seeing what I can do, and what I can learn to make something of my God given abilities. I am seriously considering taking photography classes and finding a way to make some money from that. I am looking at the good possibilities in my life. I am looking forward.
good/bad memories=Thankfulness.
As it is Thanksgiving, it is a time of looking back and being thankful. As I have looked back in days of late, I have noted that I can find few good memories before my move; And even the good ones have dents. But since my move, there are few bad memories.
I am thankful for all of it. All the bad things which has made so many wonderful things possible. I know that everything has it's purpose. That purpose may have little to do with me, but God has a purpose for each thing.
I don't know much about my youngest years. I know where I was born, and on what day. I don't know my first word, if I ever had the chicken pox, or who saw my first steps. I know I loved cats, and used to have a very treasured TY tabby cat (which I remember giving away to a girl that came to visit.)
I remember more from around the age of eight and on, but still not much. I remember when my father told me I was too old to play football with my brother and the neighborhood boys. I remember mom waking me up early one morning so I could watch "bear in the big blue house." I remember I was supposed to wash the dishes before a certain time to be able to visit my paternal grandmother, and since I did was told I was never to doddle again. I remember being the goalie and just sitting at the ditch while the boys played soccer. I remember the day we moved from the 2 bedroom trailer, into the 3 bedroom house. I remember rolling all over the clear livingroom floor because it was so free of stuff, and "so big"! I remember my brother telling me he'd only tell me something if I climbed the tree and promised not to cry: He then told me Zeus died-A dog we had to send to our maternal grandparents. I remember playing with the girl that lived next door; and her and I playing with two of my brothers. I remember going to bible camp and always being in trouble because the brat who's parents ran the place blamed everything one me when it was her doing. I remember being raped. I remember the day I moved... I remember feeling thrilled, happy, and peaceful.
I remember many other things, and at the root, I am thankful. I am thankful for all of it, because this is the life God has given me to live. He is the one guiding my steps, and He holds the future.
Thanksgiving is a day of thanks... but to who, for what?
To God, for life and everything in it.
I am thankful for all of it. All the bad things which has made so many wonderful things possible. I know that everything has it's purpose. That purpose may have little to do with me, but God has a purpose for each thing.
I don't know much about my youngest years. I know where I was born, and on what day. I don't know my first word, if I ever had the chicken pox, or who saw my first steps. I know I loved cats, and used to have a very treasured TY tabby cat (which I remember giving away to a girl that came to visit.)
I remember more from around the age of eight and on, but still not much. I remember when my father told me I was too old to play football with my brother and the neighborhood boys. I remember mom waking me up early one morning so I could watch "bear in the big blue house." I remember I was supposed to wash the dishes before a certain time to be able to visit my paternal grandmother, and since I did was told I was never to doddle again. I remember being the goalie and just sitting at the ditch while the boys played soccer. I remember the day we moved from the 2 bedroom trailer, into the 3 bedroom house. I remember rolling all over the clear livingroom floor because it was so free of stuff, and "so big"! I remember my brother telling me he'd only tell me something if I climbed the tree and promised not to cry: He then told me Zeus died-A dog we had to send to our maternal grandparents. I remember playing with the girl that lived next door; and her and I playing with two of my brothers. I remember going to bible camp and always being in trouble because the brat who's parents ran the place blamed everything one me when it was her doing. I remember being raped. I remember the day I moved... I remember feeling thrilled, happy, and peaceful.
I remember many other things, and at the root, I am thankful. I am thankful for all of it, because this is the life God has given me to live. He is the one guiding my steps, and He holds the future.
Thanksgiving is a day of thanks... but to who, for what?
To God, for life and everything in it.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
King James Version
18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
Above all I am thankful knowing what ever may come tomorrow, my future will be eternity with Christ Jesus my Savior and King.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Things I miss...
I have done a lot of growing up over the last 6 months. Even more than you'd think when you take into account my dissociative issue of "being" about 5 years of age. Since I have been older more often, and maturing a bit, and remembering things, I have come to realize there are some things I miss.
I miss looking at my toy bunny and thinking he loves me and can save me from the whole world.
I miss being tucked in every night with a kiss.
I miss being held for no real reason but to be held.
I miss seeing the world through the eyes of a young child.
I know these are things that do have to go for the future is pressing ever forward, but in this late night hour, I miss them. I do look forward to stepping into my Big Girl Shoes; To go get a job, and earn my own novelties of the modern world we live in. I look forward to being able be capable to do things on my own; But still, I miss some things tonight.
I miss looking at my toy bunny and thinking he loves me and can save me from the whole world.I miss being tucked in every night with a kiss.
I miss being held for no real reason but to be held.
I miss seeing the world through the eyes of a young child.
I know these are things that do have to go for the future is pressing ever forward, but in this late night hour, I miss them. I do look forward to stepping into my Big Girl Shoes; To go get a job, and earn my own novelties of the modern world we live in. I look forward to being able be capable to do things on my own; But still, I miss some things tonight.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
6 months.
So, in the next week the calender will hit the mark of living with Granny 6 months.
This seems impossible. It seems so much longer. It seems like I've always lived here. I love it here.
The change that can be seen in me is unfathomable.
When I first got here I could not function to do the simplest tasks. I was under weight, weak, and lost. It didn't take long of being in Granny's (tough) love, with an abundance of wonderful food before I started to gain and grow. I look back now, and can see such a change in myself; Both in my body and my mind.
Soon I will be getting a job, and volunteering. I am in the choir at church, and today (the 17th) I have officially joined the church. I am confident in being able to take the future on step by step with Jesus Himself as my guide.
While I still have issues of my "zoning out", it is nothing like before. I used to not remember anything, and do unsafe things; Now I am remembering, and simply have trouble speaking and processing what is going on around me.
When I look back to where I was just six months ago, I realize and marvel at the awesome power of Christ, and how He has worked in my life to bring me this far.
"To God be the glory; Great things He hath done."
(Fell asleep with Precious cuddling with me.)
This seems impossible. It seems so much longer. It seems like I've always lived here. I love it here.
The change that can be seen in me is unfathomable.
When I first got here I could not function to do the simplest tasks. I was under weight, weak, and lost. It didn't take long of being in Granny's (tough) love, with an abundance of wonderful food before I started to gain and grow. I look back now, and can see such a change in myself; Both in my body and my mind.
Soon I will be getting a job, and volunteering. I am in the choir at church, and today (the 17th) I have officially joined the church. I am confident in being able to take the future on step by step with Jesus Himself as my guide.
While I still have issues of my "zoning out", it is nothing like before. I used to not remember anything, and do unsafe things; Now I am remembering, and simply have trouble speaking and processing what is going on around me.
When I look back to where I was just six months ago, I realize and marvel at the awesome power of Christ, and how He has worked in my life to bring me this far.
"To God be the glory; Great things He hath done."
(Fell asleep with Precious cuddling with me.)
Friday, November 15, 2013
next step.
This is one of many steps in my life as I look to face my problems head-on. For those of you following this from my other blog, I have to tell you, I don't have D.I.D. I do have a dissociative problem as part of PTSD, but it's not DID.
I have packed away my stuffed toys, and I am looking at volunteering at an animal shelter, and getting a part time job.
I am going to see my current therapist a little less, and I am going to a place where they can work more often with me to deal with my trauma issues. I am looking forward to getting hold onto my life and move forward.
Those interest in following, feel free.
I have packed away my stuffed toys, and I am looking at volunteering at an animal shelter, and getting a part time job.
I am going to see my current therapist a little less, and I am going to a place where they can work more often with me to deal with my trauma issues. I am looking forward to getting hold onto my life and move forward.
Those interest in following, feel free.
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