Broken.. not "Bad."

I've had a broken life. That is the role of each person in the human race... To live a broken life. Not a "bad" life, not a perfect life.
Since the Fall of Man back in Genesis, everything has been broken. From our fellowship with God Himself, to branches on trees. Broken bones, and broken hearts, everything broken stems from sin.
Now, in my broken life, I remember a lot of bad stuff. I remember a few good times now and then, but not many. I believe this is in part because of what happened to me as a child.
I fight with PTSD, an open wound of the broken. I fight with the thought that I shouldn't have PTSD because of my faith. God should be enough... and He is... But that doesn't make me less human, or less broken and sinful. I know the pain I have caused myself, because of all the bad things I remember, has hurt me twice over again.
It is hard being a broken person, living in a broken world, under the rule of a perfect God who lets us have choices. It's hard trying to be the adult I'm expected to be, when my mind won't let me, and my body fights it.
The thing I seem to repeat the most is "I can do it!" I say this usually when Granny and I are working together, and I am obviously in a good amount of pain, and Granny is trying to take over so I can rest a minute. I do love that she would do that, but it isn't helping me learn how to push past the pain anyway. Life isn't going to say "Let me do that a bit, and you rest a minute" when I am hurting. Life is an uphill battle... Which is okay with me since Heaven sits on the top of the hill. But that doesn't make it easier to climb, it just makes it worth it.

Aspartame.... and other.

This last weekend through today has been very bad for me mentally. Turns out, we accidentally got a hold of some aspartame in juice. We think this is a big part of it. I have been very out of it, though I am feeling better this evening (After not having any of the juice since Tuesday morning/afternoon.)

We normally avoid this stuff anyway.... why you (didn't) ask?
Well, because it is poison. It is known best for affecting memory, and causing headaches.
I get headaches often, so a constant headache for a weekend plus a few days isn't unusual.


On a different note, I now know my blood type. I scored pretty high on that test!

I enjoyed the snow we got yesterday. Much of it is still lingering in the back yard where the sun doesn't reach much. I was disappointed that Sandy didn't have much reaction to the snow.

effects...

My last post was about how it is my choice to control my future. While that all stands, today  I realized how much I am still controlled by my past.
Today I looked up PTSD. Not just looking up the basic what it is, but all the effects. It almost shocked me how much it affects every day of my life. It is hard. I want to be better, and while I have made much progress in the last 8 months, I still have so far to go to even be very functional. Something as simple as having a few people over for supper and games sends my anxiety over my limit of being able to deal with it.
We had two evenings in a row that we had people over, and I spend most all the next day each time as not myself.
I know of two major keys to overcoming this are Trusting God, and Persistence. I thank God for my grandmother who wont let me give up just because it gets hard. He has shown His love for me through her and others. He is able... I know He is able.

New starts.

While there are few real new starts, there are some. A starting of something new that will continue on.
The way I see life is obviously different than how others see the same thing... perspective. But more than that, I have come to believe my mind skews things from reality. Because of this, I really wish there was a "reset" button so that I could wipe it all from my mind and start over... hopefully a little closer to the truth. Since I there is no reset button, I can only try to forget things, and focus on now, and things ahead.

I think I've always known I don't see things anything like anyone else. Everything seems so much worse through my eyes. The good things mean nothing to me, they have no effect, they don't stay in my mind.

I know I've always had a fairly easy life. I've had the luxury to laze about all my life. I've not had to do anything more than a few house chores, and school, of course.  I've had computers, and internet, and games, and toys. Everything a 1st world child could want. I had trampolines, swimming pools, pets. We went camping, hunting for gold... I've been given all the art supplies I want since I became interested in drawing and painting.
but these things mean so little to me. They are things.
What do I want then? what else is there?
I want to work. To earn. To help others. To learn. To have relationships, friends. I want to love, and be loved.

I've never been good at relationships, and my health makes lots of kinds of working very hard. But I want to keep trying. I have trouble retaining much of any knowledge that isn't some useless trivia. This would all be almost unreadable if it wasn't for spell-check. I'm not very good at most things, but I want to be.
I want to be enough to try to be... to do my best to be.
While I'll always have to submit to certain people in my life, and follow the laws of the land, follow the Word of God, I am a human being with freewill and I have choices to make.
Today is the start of something new... I take responsibility for who I am, how I act, and how I react. I accept the fact that life isn't fair, that everyone has their battles, and I am ready to accept mine.

Phil 4:11-13 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

little things.

Life has been wonderfully calm.
The most exciting thing has been going to my therapy stuff, and my therapy-job stuff.
I have often had little fires in our fairly new fire pit. I play games on the computer, and play with my puppy.
Today, I wrote a couple very short stories about Gracey to give to the girl where Granny got Gracey.
I have been catching up on Warehouse13, and doodling/drawing.
I've been having a little more trouble than usual with my RA, but it's still not been very bad, so I am thankful for that.
The next three days will be rather busy for me. Tuesday, I am going to a group therapy thing for the first time, to see how that works for me.
 I haven't had any childish spells for quite some time, but I have still had silent spells. I hope those too will soon depart.

starting to really get more excited about the future... Looking at all the things I may be able to do some day.

started off my year...

Started off my year with an episode of being in myself. I didn't plan to, I really didn't want to, I was to almost 3 weeks without incident. It'd been hard to stay outside of my glass box for a few days before I fell prey to it. That's what it feels like... Being stuck in a glass box. I can see the world, and I can hear it, but I can't seem to interact well with it. My little me-person inside can yell, but it does not escape my body.
I disappointed myself when I became trapped in my box... as if I had a choice.
At least I do remember it all now. Not so long ago it was a black box, not a glass one.
I had hoped to at least make it a month... I fear I may never.