I get to the place early as usual, and sit to talk to the secretary. As came up in every conversation, she began to speak about the future; about jobs, or schooling. I tried to squash my thoughts and emotions, and hide the tears on the edge of falling, as my heart cried "But I can't. I know I have to, but I can't."
Later in group, papers were handed out. This week was more on thoughts; thinking negatively, versus thinking positively, and how to untwist bad thinking. This felt like a stab as that deceitful thing cried out again, "But the negative ones are true!"
Of all the ways, and all the examples given to think negatively, I thought them all.
I tried to simply not think as it seemed a legion of voices cried out all those thoughts in chant in my mind.
I didn't not want to leave there once group was over. I did not want to drive. I was invited back to an office with the group mediators, where I simply fell apart.
I could not stop crying. I could not find the words to explain.
In the end I said I did not want any more therapy. This shouldn't have been anything to stress about, but I had been told be two that I should, and I was taught not to ever say no to an adult. As I sat in the office, trying to gain the courage and words to say what was on my mind, I kept remembering what would happen when I would try to tell my dad "no" or "I'd really rather not."
I finally said it, and I left. I drove home, but I was distracted. My mind was not on the road, and I almost ended up in a wreck. I came straight home, and went to bed.
My mind would not quiet. It continued its decline into the pit of despair. It got to the point where it chanted out "it'd be better if you were dead. If you never existed at all. You cost too much. You'll never get a job. Leach."
I laid in my bed, squeezing a stuffed toy, crying. I drifted off to sleep for about an hour, then the phone rang.
It was pastor. He was responding to an email where I had inquired about a few questions in a bible study book he gave me. We spoke on this awhile, about the Holy Spirit (as that's what the questions were about).
Feeling a little bit better after getting a little sleep, I watched the clock tick by the next hour, then left to pick Granny up from work. The radio was on, and it started in the middle of a song. The song spoke about how God cares for us, and there is no need to worry about life. I wished it would play again.
Granny could tell right off that sometime happened with me. She asked if I had eaten. I replied "A breakfast bar around 9am." She stopped to get me something to eat, then continued on to the blood connection which was the destination. We then talked on the way home.
We got home, ate supper, then played some board games while cooking bacon. My mood lifted as I began to accept that though I don't know how I am going to be able to work a job, or step forward in life, God does. I then read an email about the fact God thinks about ME. I am on His mind.
I write this now as a reminder to myself that life will go on; that God is in control, and He knows. Also to remind myself that my emotions are not reality, and to next time go to The Word, and not allow my thoughts to continue to impound those lies into my life.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39KJV
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