Hating Body and Beauty.

Because of the experiences I had as a child, whenever I heard someone say I was beautiful I cringed. I wished with all my aching heart that I was an ugly child. I did what I knew to do to hide myself. I wore clothes that were much too big, and I only brushed my hair enough so it wasn't one big mass. I hauled up in my bedroom as much as possible to stay away from people.
My health has been not good for many years now, and I always hated that, too. I often questioned God on why He made me the way He did. I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to blend in. My health issues only made this harder to do.
My heart harbored a safe haven for that bitterness and hate to grow. I nurtured it with hateful songs, and metal songs, and "poor me" songs, from youtube. My prayers to God were as dark and hateful as my heart. I spent many nights basically demanding Him to kill me, because I was never quite willing to do it myself.

But all that began to change after I truly accepted Christ as Savior and Leader of my life. He showed me He has a purpose for everything, and often times more than one purpose. I, at first, simply began to accept that my body was a fact I had to live with. Over time I began to delight in my beauty. I started to wear clothes that fit right, brushed my hair often, learned how to use makeup to enhance the beauty He gave me, and started to smile and give a "thank you" when my beauty was complemented.

This has been a hard battle for me.

It has been a challenge from God to see myself as He made me, and not as I saw myself through the evils of the world. I am still in the great battle of learning to thank God for my health problems.
Whenever Granny and I are going into a store for any length of time, she gets the chair for me. It's hardly a choice I make, my body demands it. I'll tell her, "Okay, but I protest!"
She'll reply with, "Protest all you want to, but we're taking it."

I want so badly to be fully capable. I want to be able to just do anything I feel like doing, as I am told I should be able to do just because of my age. But that is not God's will at this time of my life. I can say, "I protest!" but God says, "We're taking it anyway." And so I climb into His arms, and I ride out my day in prayers for strength and thanks for what He has allowed me to do.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect with accepting this trial in my life, but I am continually learning to praise Him at all times, and give thanks unto Him continually.

(picture: Myself, my older brother, and one of my younger brothers when we were quite young)