Old and New.

It is the eve of a new year. Out with the old, in with the new!

...But...


Let's face it, nothing really changes on New Year. Lots of people get drunk, or make lists of things they are going to change or things they are going to accomplish, but none of it changes. The only thing new is the number year we write when we date things... and even that doesn't change for a few weeks into the new year.

Nothing changes because people like what they like and will not change. Sure, some things change during a year. Stuff happens. But in the grand scheme of things... nothing changes.

New Years is boring.

Like most "holidays"

The only thing I hope for this next year, is that by the end of it I am totally independant, and no longer living with a jerk. I'm looking forward to being on my own, and if I could simply get a job that would support that, all would be doable. (After I get a car and phone...)
The only thing I will REALLY miss when that happens, is games at night with Granny.

me and mom:

Life. Work.

Things have been about the same for the last month or so. Working at the Job Training Center has been enjoyable. The last couple of days I have been learning more about the paperwork, and today I more-or-less ran the corner in which I am stationed since the other boss people weren't there. There was only one minor hiccup which turned out to be nothing.
Weekends are busy as well. With house cleaning, laundry, and running here and there (and wasting time with Netflix.)
My Bible time has suffered by my choice, and I have missed that. I am thankful for a CD I was given with an hour of bible verses set by topic. I fall asleep to that every night.
I'm still not sure what kind of permanent job I would like to go for, but I have been working on my interviewing answers by the 50 most common question sheet I was given.

Before I started training at NAR, I was so sure I would be different. I would stand out in a crowd. I would do above and beyond, and better. I had a mission that soon all but disappeared. Some days it is all I can do to not break into pieces with the stress and pain. Some days my best is a much lower standard. Most days I still try to hold onto that resolve I was once so sure I would live out every minute of every day.

On that topic that you didn't know I was thinking... How weird is it that minute(time) and minute(small) are spelled the same?? I wont get much into how weird English, just that note.

That's it.

full week.

This last week was my first full week of work. The job training isn't "hard" work, but it is more than I have ever done before of the same over and over. Mostly put stickers on packages. This weekend I have spent much time in bed, and even more in my PJs. And I'm still tired.

Tonight, we had our Christmas Dinner at church. I enjoyed sitting at the table I sat at, with the people that were there. Good food. Christmas Carols. Christmas Story.

Note to Parents.

Today is Thanksgiving day. We often think back to the first giving when the natives kept the intruders alive (to later be slaughtered by them.) And, despite the tragic way that tale ultimately ends, we still are thankful for their kindness.
I paused to think about my own first Thanksgiving day.  I would have been barely more than a month old, unable to enjoy the feast that accompanies it, or remember the festivities. But I know I ate then, I know you would have been holding me, and showing me any decorations you had. I know you were thankful for me.
I think about all the Thanksgivings since, and all the years of time between them, and how you cared for me over all the years.
You weren't perfect... and I am thankful for that, too. The imperfections of the years taught me many things I could learn no other way.
You taught me that all things worth having should be earned, and how much more those things mean when they aren't given without a price.
My lessons around your table have come to an end. The lessons you taught me are innumerable, and immensely useful to life. Lessons on how to clean, and how to work hard are both serving me well.

On this Thanksgiving day, I am thankful for the time and money you invested in me. And for all the love, and hugs over the years.

Forever your child,
Rachel

On My Toes!

Today has kept me on my toes. I almost forgot breakfast, which in the end almost made me late. As I pull down to the first stop sign, I stop. I'm looking both ways when a car pulled up across from me. Seeing the way is clear, I begin to pull out, and turn. Only to suddenly realize the person across from me has pulled out too!! If I had had any slower reflexes (Thank you older brother!), then I would have been in a wreck instead of going to work.
Now I'm stressed, and not trusting any drivers to know what they are supposed to be doing on the road. (Why did I trust any would know/do to begin with??) I should have looked thrice. The rest of the way went fine. I got to work, and I hung around waiting for the starting bell to ring.

There is one boy there that reminds me SO much of my younger brother, T. It's like talking to him, only instead of the game stuff my brother loves to talk about, it's the political stuff my father loves to talk about. I often stump his strong opinions with facts, or questions he can't answer-Which is great fun.

Later at work, the group I work with is always cutting up, and joking around. One of the ladies(L1) I work with was picking on another lady(L2). L2 was trying to count product, and L1 was yelling out random numbers to mess her up. After about listening to this for 30 seconds, I turn around and tell L1 "You know, just imagine how much you could get done if you put all that energy into your work!" All the ladies around broke out in "OOO!"s and laughter. L1 was speechless. I turned beet red and wished I'd kept my mouth shut. :P

Most of the day was uneventful, save these things. One other notable thing is the amount of work I did. I asked what was a good amount to do in a day, and they said 300 was good. So, I work hard, I worked fast... and I made it to 410 before the final bell rang. I am glad to have made it over 400. My goal is to do more, and do better than expected. Lord knows that's the only way to do things right.

Job Training: Week One.

What a busy time it has been!

My first day (Tuesday) was a half day because the final paperwork took time. So, I started that day with lunch. Across from me sat a young man of 19, who reminds me much of my brother next younger brother. He spoke freely of his strong political views, and love of all things gun, which also reminded me of my family as many of the views were the same.

The next day(Wednesday) was a full day with getting up about 6am and getting ready, and heading off to work. At first I had no idea where this place actually was because they bussed us from the Voc Rehab. So, I was waiting for the van and it shortly showed up at about 7:15. This day was the day they decided to teach me how to do the hardest part of putting together the saline kits. The first day they showed me part 2of3 and this day, 3of3. (There are more to packaging, but that goes to another station.) They were AMAZED with how quickly I caught on. They told me that it usually takes a week for someone to get the hang of it. By lunch time they were taking my work to show the head man (of the Voc Rehab part) in this plant! Who came by to personally proclaim "Good Job."

The third day (Thursday) I was working by myself, with someone coming by to check my work now and again. This day I was working on my speed more, since I had the quality down. I did step 3 on about 375 saline kits that day. I had begun taking riddles to join into the conversation somewhat. (Plus it made me feel smarter to know these that they didn't. :P )

On day four, Friday, the day is cut in half: Getting off at the lunch break. And for anyone who has been there more than a week, it is payday. I was quiet and simply worked this day, ready to be home awhile. I was upset most the day (see below), the brightest spot in this one was talking with a new friend at break.

So, here I am, posting on my day off to tell you I can't sleep in! Though my nervousness had been waking me at about 5 most day, and today I slept until 7, I didn't get any more sleep because I was up late reading last night. But, oh well, I enjoyed it. :)

Over all it has been a very good first week. And week two will have even less work days thanks to thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to going back on monday. This week was not without a few bumps... like on Friday when I attempted to drive to my training for the first time. I got lost several times, and walked through the door 3 STEPS before the starting bell rang. So, that was... fun. I was glad I had left more than an hour early. I was crying when I walked in the door, and had trouble doing otherwise the rest of the day.

Owed, Deserved, Rights!

We hear these constantly today in time. Almost every commercial on TV as "Because you deserve the best" or some such nonsense. The only thing we deserve is Hell. The only rights we have are the ones God gave us. No one owes us anything, or any reason as such. (I will grant the "owed" with bills and such, where a transaction/deal has been made.)
I was reading For Better Or For Worse ( http://fborfw.com/strip_fix/2014/11/06/ ) And the note given at the bottom. She comments that her children, and those other that fall into that category "owe" a certain response. Why? Is everything done as a parent done with strings attached? Is that the reason people have children to have someone oweing them?

I had to give this some thought.

The mindset of our country is one that loves self and loves things. Many people only help others so that they will be "owed" for later. This is where the christian ought to be different. Instead of always wanted to be owed something, the mindset of Christ is to give without strings attached.
Christ came to earth to go through a painful death process, to rise again that we would have the chance at salvation full and free.
I remember an example my grandmother made when I was younger. Mammaw taught the kids up stairs. One day she explained the salvation give with an oatmeal cookie.
"It's like this. I can say 'Rachel, this is for you' but if she doesn't take it, then it's not really hers."
(I would have gladly taken the treat, just as any kid in the room, but her example went on.)
She walked over to the next child to my left and said "The same is offered to *kids name*" Mammaw hands it out, and kid takes it. "The same offer was given to both, but only the one who took it gets it."

We are not owed salvation, and we certainly don't deserve it! We have no right to it, or any reason to think it should be ours. I know this is true because of Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"
Only God in all His glory is perfect, sinless, and right. He only deserves all good things.

I have fought with thoughts that fall into this very category. If I had not, there would be no post about it. In regards to my health, and my few goals in life, I have felt like I should be given more. This has been no short battle with God, but when I finally asked Him, "So, what DO you want me to do?" He answered "Pray. Pray for those in your church. pray for your friends. Pray for those you don't like, and pray for those you do. Pray glorifying things to Me. Pray praises and songs. Speak to Me while you wait." This, of course, broke my heart. I have been spending so little time with my Lord, and even now have put off time with Him for other things such as writing this. My failings are great, but so much greater is my Lord.
Whenever I find myself low, I know it is because I have not sought the One that lifts me up.
He deserves all, because He made all. He is all. Everything is because God made it, and He made it for Himself. He has given us the choice, He does not demand that we give Him what He deserves, in part because He knows we can't. We can never suply God with all the good He is owed.

The challenge of this post is simple. Seek God. Know that you are owed nothing, and He is owed everything. Realize that the thoughts of "owed" and "deserve" are ones of pride which is the worst sin in the world save blaspheming the Holy Ghost. (Matthew 12:31 Mark 3:29 Luke 12:10 )

Side note:
 Pride was the first sin committed. Lucifer committed it as he tried to make himself God. He destroyed himself and 1/3rd of the angels who followed him. Now he seeks to destroy all those that follow God.

Dealing With Those Awful Sinners!

Oh, how we great and mighty Christians hate dealing with those people. Those ones who love their sin so greatly, that nothing else matters to them!
And did you realize that attitude is pride? Did you know pride is a sin?
It is a constant battle for me. Both trying to deal with "those people" and trying to keep myself from being one of them. I know I am one. I am a sinner. The difference is simply that I, like many other followers of Christ, seek to die to self and sin to serve God.


Galatians 5:17
For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Romans 8:9
But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.

In these three verses we can see several differences between the Flesh and the Spirit. The flesh being ourselves, our selfish desire and wants, the worldly part of our being, our bodies.

This is why we are in a constant battle. Our flesh wants to think we are so much better than "Those Sinners." That things should be very different than the reality we live in.

God, through the Holy Spirit, has given us the power to overcome our flesh. One of the biggest challenges in our lives is to be humble.

Philippians 2:1-8
 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.

This humbling is the key. We can not have both love and pride. God's Love, True Love, demands humility. 

Matthew 5:43-48 

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

The hardest 13 verses in the Bible. The Challenge to be like God. It should be that I love for Him would drive us to WANT to be like Him. And, I'll admit, though I do, sometimes I feed my flesh and I harbor anger, hatred, contempt, and pride. Sometimes for days I will feast on my sin, until at last I feel sick, sad, and broken. Being so far from my Lord drives the sorrow and loneliness into my aching heart, and I repent. Sometimes this happens over and over again in a week, Every time I have skipped my time with my Savior, sin waits no time to move in its place.

We need to deal with all other people with the same love that God has toward us.

Only Half.

Oh, how much I hate being only half able!
Makes me too able to be helped, and too unable to help myself or anyone else.
I know God has a purpose for all things, and I really wish I knew the purpose for this! I get so frustrated with trying to DO when I can't. I really don't know what my life will be like. From what I understand, some day I wont be even half able to do things, but that should be years from now.
I don't know what kind of life I will ever have. I've always been to afraid to even try to picture one.
I look fine... Until I try to work at anything.

I think half is the worst. Pros and Cons with everything, but I think I hate it the worst. It may be that is just because it is where I am, but more than that. I hate being in this middle where I look fine, but I'm not.

I've just had my first job interview, to be denied at the mention of my limits. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do. There is no job for a half invalid. How am I ever supposed to have any kind of life? Maybe I can find a half life.

Maybe somewhere along the way, I will have... more.

Running to God to find a spouse.

With my recent longing for my life to progress the way I desire, I have had many talks with my Grandmother about her marriages. Again and again the problems she faced, she would say "And that's where a christian man comes in." Meaning that-that issue would not exist with a man that is following God. I was reminded of an example I've redrawn to share.

I went through many notecards and such from a time early in her marriage with Dusty, and saw a part that doesn't exist any longer. This caused me to wonder all the more. I asked Granny how she would describe the first part of her marriage with Dusty. "Fun," she said, "when we wanted to do something we did it. When we wanted to go somewhere we went." And after a few other notes about it, she said "Worldly." They did not have God as a part of their life, and she regrets that.

I have learned a lot from my grandmother, and her experiences. I have learned the truth and the need to do the saying "Run toward God as fast as you can, and if someone can keep up introduce yourself." The only kind of relationship I want, be it friend or romantic, is one focused on God first. The closer you are to God, the closer you are to a Godly spouse.

With the thought of marriage in mind, there comes the thought of maturity. Immature people get married all the time, and that brings trouble to them. The question also comes "What is maturity?"
I dwelled on this awhile, thinking about the things we attribute to it. It all comes down to Godly living.
Maturity is:
Someone who handles a bad situation calmly and with grace.
Someone who thinks of others, and not just themselves.
Someone who doesn't just waste.
Someone who isn't rash, and careless.
Someone who is willing to admit they aren't perfect, that sometimes things are their fault.
Someone who doesn't make excuses for everything they do, trying to pass the blame.
Someone who is willing to give of themselves.

That isn't a complete list of mature living, but a glimpse of what I have learned about maturity in the last year. I used to be so determined, frustrated, and obsessed with "growing up" that I couldn't see that I had the wrong goal. Growing older is something no one can avoid, maturing is something too few do.
Second Timothy 3:16-17 says  "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works." Perfect meaning completed. This perfection, or completion, refers to a maturity in the things of God.
So, I began to study what a Christian should be, what a wife should be, and what a husband should be. I am far from completing my study, but but what I have learned so far I have made a list of what to look for in a person I would live with:

One man of God:

Must have solid relationship with Christ.

Must be Responsible with money.

Must be Honest,

Humble,

Respectful,

Even Tempered,

Forgiving,

Loving,

Willing to Listen,

Willing to Work Hard,

Willing to Learn.

Must be of Good Reputation,

Hospitable,

Teacher of the things of God,

Leader,

and Patient.

God knowing you.

We focus much on us knowing God, because He already knows us, right?
The Word testifies that He knows us. He created us.

Psalm 139:15
My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Galatians 1:15
But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother's womb, and called me by his grace,

Psalm 139:2
Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

He knows us inside and out, from before we were born, to after our death. God knows his creation. But there are two kinds of God knowing us. The first is that covered above. God knows what He has made. The second is knowing us as His children.

Matthew 7:22-23
 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.

Psalm 1:6
For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

John 15:15
Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

2 Timothy 2:19
Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.

Jeremiah 9:23-25 Thus saith the Lord, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord.

Lacking Surrender.

How lacking I was! I hardly noticed as I continually pushed my Savior away. "Right after this," I'd say, and something else would always take it's place. My nights began with heartless apologizes, and hardly a glancing thought of my Lord until the next night. I hardly realized the inner turmoil this caused until I changed. Finally, one night it was a heartfelt prayer, and I was ready to change to be what my Lord wants me to be. While some of my turmoil could be blamed on hormones, I know in my heart that much could have been saved if I had been near my Savior.

I write this not for any who may read it, but to be a reminder for myself of what is important in my life.
I've heard calls from the pulpit "Give your life to Christ! Surrender!" I realized that, though I believed, and though I have sought to claim that surrendering, I continually pick it up and call it "my life." It is no longer, and I need to remember that in every moment of every day, and every night.

Romans12:1-3 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

Galatians 2:20I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I,but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

How Hard to Trust!

Anyone who reads this much knows I have health issues that makes doing much hard. I've held tight to the fact that I can type, and have pursued trying to use that to find a job. I got the idea after many denials, that I could write a book and sell it on Kindle to start earning a couple dollars. I've written about 8,000 words, and tried to do more than the 500 a day I was doing. That night, I couldn't move my hands. I was in such pain. "that's it. there's nothing left I can do." My options of consistently working on anything have fallen to 0.

While I am not in any great need of money right this minute, I don't have plans for anything past my current situation. My grandmother won't live forever, and then what? It's up to God.
I really thought I would be working by now. Earning money, buying a phone, a car, whatever else would be helpful for having a job. "If only I physically able. I'd be able to work a job. There are so many openings if I could do all the physical labor required." ::Deep sighs.

"If only I didn't have to trust." I hate to admit this thought, and I really haven't had it as such, with those words, but I have had it. I hate not knowing how things will work out. I hate waiting. I hate the feeling that I "Need to figure it out-But I need to trust God" It's conflicting and confusing.

If I could *Just Do* then everything would be fine.

Life.
A progression of time from someone's birth to death.
In which a person should... what?
Should get a car?
Should work a job?
Should be independent?
Should be.
Who dictates these things?
I know sometimes some of these are needed, but why *should* someone, if they aren't needed?
Right now, in my life, I need nothing. I would LOVE to work. I would love to earn, and be independent of my family. But, then what? Work, sleep, eat, pay bills, work...
I don't know... much of anything.
But I know I have little choice but to trust God. And sometimes, may stubborn and proud heart really hates to.

What can you do, but pray?

Sometimes life just seems rough. The Lord is the only one who can give that internal, and eternal strength to go on.
Verses like John 16:33 help.
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

2 Corinthians 1:2-4 

Grace be to you and peace from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

Reading the Word, and speaking to the Father are the only things that make life worth living. Looking to the end when our conversations won't be limited by "letter", and "phone", but will be face to face!

(food for thought.)

BLAME!

It's a time old tale, "it's his fault!" They began it in the Garden of Eden, and it continues today. We often blame the devil for the evil we do, even though we know full-well that it is our choice.
Don't get my wrong, satan is a powerful foe, just don't use him as an excuse.
One of the hardest things to do is to face the fact YOU are a sinner. You sin, and it is your fault.
You Are Guilty!
We hate guilt and all that goes with it. All the shame, anger, frustration, and loneliness drove us to create the blame game. In the Garden, Man and Woman chose to sin. God of All comes down to fellowship with them as He had done all their lives, but they had changed because of sin, and they hid themselves.



Genesis 3:9-13
And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

The blame game had begun. In attempt to sweep away sin, we tried shifting the blame... Trying to hide who was actually guilty. The fact of the matter all three were guilty, and the Lord knew it. Verses 14-19 list the punishments God gave for each one of them.

Guilt is an ever expanding weight of discomfort and sorrow. No one likes to bear it, and there is only one way I know of to rid oneself of it: trust Christ.

God the Father sent God the Son to live a sinless life on earth and take the death penalty for us, so that we may have fellowship with Him, and be made righteousness.

The only one that care lift the guilt from our shoulders, and the Creator of All.

Hating Body and Beauty.

Because of the experiences I had as a child, whenever I heard someone say I was beautiful I cringed. I wished with all my aching heart that I was an ugly child. I did what I knew to do to hide myself. I wore clothes that were much too big, and I only brushed my hair enough so it wasn't one big mass. I hauled up in my bedroom as much as possible to stay away from people.
My health has been not good for many years now, and I always hated that, too. I often questioned God on why He made me the way He did. I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to blend in. My health issues only made this harder to do.
My heart harbored a safe haven for that bitterness and hate to grow. I nurtured it with hateful songs, and metal songs, and "poor me" songs, from youtube. My prayers to God were as dark and hateful as my heart. I spent many nights basically demanding Him to kill me, because I was never quite willing to do it myself.

But all that began to change after I truly accepted Christ as Savior and Leader of my life. He showed me He has a purpose for everything, and often times more than one purpose. I, at first, simply began to accept that my body was a fact I had to live with. Over time I began to delight in my beauty. I started to wear clothes that fit right, brushed my hair often, learned how to use makeup to enhance the beauty He gave me, and started to smile and give a "thank you" when my beauty was complemented.

This has been a hard battle for me.

It has been a challenge from God to see myself as He made me, and not as I saw myself through the evils of the world. I am still in the great battle of learning to thank God for my health problems.
Whenever Granny and I are going into a store for any length of time, she gets the chair for me. It's hardly a choice I make, my body demands it. I'll tell her, "Okay, but I protest!"
She'll reply with, "Protest all you want to, but we're taking it."

I want so badly to be fully capable. I want to be able to just do anything I feel like doing, as I am told I should be able to do just because of my age. But that is not God's will at this time of my life. I can say, "I protest!" but God says, "We're taking it anyway." And so I climb into His arms, and I ride out my day in prayers for strength and thanks for what He has allowed me to do.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect with accepting this trial in my life, but I am continually learning to praise Him at all times, and give thanks unto Him continually.

(picture: Myself, my older brother, and one of my younger brothers when we were quite young)

Mimic the Father!

Matthew 5:43-45
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Oh, the dreadful challenge given! How could I POSSIBLY love an enemy? Do good to those that hate me? Now... I can pray for them... pray their breaks go out running down a hill... flower pot falls from a window sill and hit them on the head like I want to!

oh?

It doesn't work that way? Why do I need to be so nice?

"That ye may be the children of your Father"

What does that mean? I'm a child of God!

John 15:8-10
 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.

John 17:21-23
 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.
 And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:
 I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.

We are to be one with Christ, and how did He treat His enemies? How did He treat you, and me?

With love. With Prayer. With blessings, and sacrifices.

A child is born of it's parents; born of their flesh, their DNA. As they grow they mimic their parents to learn how to act, and how to live life. As a child of God, we are born of Him. Not in the flesh are we born of Him, but in the Spirit. We are to look to Him, and mimic Him to grow, and learn how to live life.

We are of Christ, we must act like it. As hard as it is, as much as sometimes you (I) want to yell and smack our enemies, we must not. We must go beyond just not harming them, we must be nice to them. Pray for them.

A challenge to be like Christ. Will you take up the cross?

Attitude.

I once found on the internet that if A=1 B=2 ... Z=26 than
Knowledge=96%
Hardwork =98%
BUT
Attitude =100%

I liked this, then I hated it, and then I liked it... let me explain why.

At first I liked it because I took it to mean that you ONLY really needed attitude.

Then I hated it because then I thought "You can't eat off attitude"

and then I loved it again because of the truth of it. God doesn't ask for much from us, and at the same time He asks everything of us. The main thing He wants is thanks; A grateful attitude from us.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

This is Granny's life verse. This is one I am still learning to live.

Depressing Fight.

I all too often think about the future I was always told I would have. Like (almost) every girl, I was born with a desire for family. My thoughts so often go to "One day, when I have a husband" and what he would be like. I look at my examples: My parents, my grandparents, married friends. I look to see how human marriage works.
I see that it is never the same.
I see man and woman married with intent to stay together.
But the workings beyond that... what is the point of it?
Beyond the obvious point of bring children into the world; That doesn't seem to even take marriage these days.
Someone to share the bills with? Someone to kiss? What's marriage all about, I wonder?

"I'll never get married" I say now and again. "I could never love someone who would hit me."
"You shouldn't marry someone who is willing to" Granny would say.
"People change." I reply, "You never know when someone would be willing."

So, I sit and I wonder. The bible gives the marriage example of Christ and the Church. But, that's not a perfect marriage either, is it? Sure, on God's side, He's perfect. But the church... not so much. You still end up with two entities that aren't both giving %100.

I don't know any couple that I would want my marriage to be like. I don't know of any man that would be what I want, and I know for sure I'm not what I would need to be.
Right now, I am young. Only 20 years old. Plenty of time for something to come up. For someONE to come up. But, then I think, "who would want someone like me?"
There is no way I could do everything a wife and mother needs to do.
But then, I think, "Well, if there are people for the lazy, there's got to be people for the invalids."

I seem to like to pick things apart... Not to destroy, but to find out how it works.
I watch people interact, and try to figure out why.
There is so much I don't know about everything, but there is one thing I know... My Lord is in control, and His will-will be done.

Water Fun!

The best birthday gift I have ever been given... a trip on the ocoee! A few pictures:

The Day Approaches!

Today is the eve of my 20th birthday.
It hardly seems like I have been alive for two decades!
Time seems to pass with paces both fast and slow simultaneously. Time what a word. What it means! How little it means to a Christian, and yet how much. With time being life on earth; The time between birth and death, there is so little of it. How great the work we have to do in such a small amount of time. Years... They seem so long, yet a life time passes in a blink. Some lives are so much shorter than others... Some "Never were alive" being born still and unbreathing--Other live to be 100 and still proclaim that life is too short.
My Christian family, we have such a short amount of time. So much of it wasted in days of ignorance. So much of it wasted on fleshly wants. How much more we need to be working for the Lord. How much more we need to be serving, striving, running the race that leads to Jesus and heaven.
How much...
How little...
Time.
My earnest prayer is that my life will be a testimony; That I would stay humble and close to the Lord all the steps of my life. Here on the eve of being alive 20 years, I wonder... How much more can I do for Jesus? Am I doing my best for Him? The song comes to mind...
"I wonder have I done my best for Jesus,
Who died upon to cruel tree.
I think of His great sacrifice at Calv'ry...
I know my Lord has done His best for me.
How many are the lost that I have lifted?
How many are the chained I helped to free?
I wonder have I done my best for Jesus
when He has done so much for me."
There is coming a day when I will no longer serve Him here. No more chances to testify of His love. No more lost souls wondering needing Jesus, but burning, and crying... left behind.
I need to be active for Jesus... for all those around and needing to hear of Him.

Lacking Art.

Not so very long ago my life consisted only of movies, TV shows, and art. I would go from one to the other, or do several at the same time. I would paint. I would draw. I would scribble. I would stare. I would listen.
These things were the only source of comfort at that time. Back, just over a year ago, that was my life.
Now, it has been some time since I have done much more than the odd doodle. Why? Because I no longer need to just cope with life. I no longer need a constant distraction with which to waste time.
My life consists of so much more. Some times I miss art. Though I still write, and sometimes doodle, I don't really draw much. Nor do I paint. It's not because I lack the supplies-I still own all I need. I just choose to do other things.
"One of these days" I keep saying referring to painting again. "One of these days I will do it again... when I find a use for it." Painting, just to paint and put it under my bed, is no good at all.
But one day...
For now I count my blessing, and I enjoy all the other things I have come to love doing.

Up And Downs Of Life Under Pressure.

Here I sit. Waiting. Waiting yet again to hear about a job. Again Granny has already told others that I have already gotten it. The first time I carried the hope that it was true. This time I just sit waiting. With no hope or expectation, with no sense of dread or fear, I wait.

This last month has held the same mountain and the same valley, which I continually climb from top to bottom. My emotions, following the evidences before me, soar and drop all the same.

My mind is steadfast on my Lord, waiting for His guiding word. The moment I look at my circumstances my heart sinks, like Peter sinking in the sea after being bid out of the boat in the storm. Then, like Peter, I call out. My Lord pulls me back to Him, and asks me "Why do you doubt, oh, ye of little faith? Have I not loved you and cared for you since the beginning? Why doubt me now?" And I smile. And I sing.

"The Lord is good. Tell it wherever you go! The Lord is good. Tell it that others may know! Tell of His blessings and tell of His love, tell how He's coming from heaven above; The Lord is good, tell it wherever you go!"

Do we have to sin?

Time and time again I hear "Well, were human. It happens. It's going to keep happening until we get to heaven." Which sounds a lot like an excuse for me. A murder can chose not to murder; An adulterer can chose not to commit  adultery; A liar can chose not to lie; So were is the fact that we have to, because it just happens to be that way?
 It is true we all start out committing sins though we don't know them as such, but as we come to know each sin as a sin we are to stop doing it.
In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman "Go, and sin no more." Did He just tell her to do something she is sure to fail at doing? I have heard it said "Well, He means for her not to do THAT sin anymore."
But hasn't He said through Peter in Acts 2:38, and in Acts 3:19 to repent from sins, turning to Christ so that the sin can be blotted out? Does that follow?
In 1st John 1:9 it is said "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." This being a confession with repentance of a broken heart turn to the Lord. Repentance isn't something to be tossed around saying "it will work here, but I'm going back to sin for this time, or this event."  Repentance is a true turning away from, making those things far from you.
Sin, like Love is a choice. Both of these are even the same choice, like as they are two sides of the same coin. Sin is a choice of self over all else... and Love is the choice of all else over self.

Answer? We don't have to sin. While it is likely we will, as it says in Matthew 26:41
"Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

God is aware of our struggles. He came and faced the same things, and did so without sinning.
"Oh, well, that GOD! I can't do that." can't you?
John 1:12-13 says  "But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God."
In the Lord's prayer of John 17 we can see His will that we be just as He was. That we be one with Him, and with the Father, just as they are one. How could one do this in a life of Sin?

"Well, if you just try really hard (to do right), God will (ignore) those little sins."
First off, "Little sins"?? There is no such thing! They are all bigger than a blue whale!
It is not about "Trying" which gives way for excuses like "Well, I tried... (kind of)."

No where in the Bible (That I know of) does it say "Well, if you try just a bit, I'll just over look everything." It says REPENT! Turn away from sin. Sin no more! These commands are to be followed. We mustn't let ignorance cause us to sin all the more. We must learn the Word of God so we know sin, so we can flee from it, and to our Heavenly Father. We must learn what we should be doing instead of the sin, so our actions can be replaced by all that is Holy. We can not do this on our own, but God through us, if we let Him.

A testimony; A challenge.

I sat in church for most all my life; Rarely did I ever miss a service. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, I attended... physically. Many a service I sat in my own world. Lost in my own imagination. I had little interest in these things I didn't understand. I knew some basic answers.
"God created the heavens and the earth."
"Jesus died on the cross."
"Mary was Jesus' mother."
"Jesus was born in a stable."
"Sin is bad."
But I never cared to truly explore these things. I endured church. I liked sitting there because it was fairly quiet. It was a place to get away to. Peaceful place where I would sit and draw, or play with my watch.
My move from home did not change this life long habit. I continued going to (an Independent, Fundamental Baptist) Church. I sat and drew, passing the time until the service was over.
I had considered myself a christian. I was told I had said a prayer, and that made me saved; that meant I was going to heaven. My life was fully on conflict and anger, pride and rebellion. I felt fine to fume in my sins, praying for this horrid thing called life to be over.

Until one day when someone was teaching on the Fruit of the Spirit... and I actually was listening.
"I want that" I thought. Hearing of love and peace... and JOY. I had no joy. I was hollow, clawed out and raw, and now I really knew it.
I did not act on it right away. I pushed the thought aside until the next service when the fruit was mentioned again. It pecked at me. Most every service had ended with the gospel invitation, not that I had taken much notice.
That evening as we drove home I was silent. I cried silent tears since I well knew that there was no way I was saved... I had never given my life to Jesus.

Granny pulled into the garage, and turned off the car. Seeing my tears she questioned, and honestly I replied. I said "I know that I'm really saved." And she lead me in prayer.
I felt more alive, but not much else changed.
What was supposed to? I didn't know. I did not read the Word, nor did I pray. I continued going to church, trying to pay closer attention. I followed this pattern for almost a year, waiting for someone to swoop in and teach me more.
It was just about a year after my broken hearted prayer that I came across my answer.
1 John 2:27
But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him.

 I was waiting for someone who was already here trying to teach me.

God sent the Holy Spirit to teach me, He gave me His word that I may learn. I had only to pick it up and read, and pray.

There are times I still often which for some person to teach me, but I know I have no need.

There is a song that claims "Christ is all I need." and it is truth. How could you need more than the creator of all things, savior of the world, King of kings?

You have been challenged to... 

Spread the Word. 

Share the gospel.

Teach the basics.

Be a help to young followers of Christ.

These are the challenges God sends in His Word. Will you take up the cross?

With God's everlasting grace I am learning much of Him, and what He has for me. I praise Him for being all I need, supplying all I need and so much more.

Fasting.

So, for some unknown reason I decided to fast in the mornings. Basically for no spiritual reason, just because I don't tend to care for eating in the morning. So I set a time for myself. I wasn't going to eat before noon.
I told Granny I wasn't going to be eating before noon so she would stop telling me to do so. I had used the word "fast" since it means to not eat, or to abstain. It was a logical word to use. She thought I mean spiritual fast, and then wondered why I was on the computer instead of in the Word.
We talked about it a bit, and upon realizing I really knew nothing about fasting, I decided to check it out.
What is spiritual fasting?
Why is it done?
What is the purpose?
I jumped on the best resource I have to find out. Google. "Fasting why" I typed in, and clicked on the first few that came up. One included many bible verses, so I read it through, check each as I went along so I could see how to Word fit into it.
( http://marshill.com/categories/fasting )
The posting titled "Why do we fast" answered most my questions.
( http://marshill.com/2013/12/06/why-do-we-fast )
to quote a bit:

"Throughout the Bible, we see people fast for a variety of reasons:
To be like Jesus (Matt. 4:1–17; Luke 4:1–13)
To obtain spiritual purity (Isa. 58:5–7)
To repent from sins (See Jon. 3:8; Neh. 1:4, 9:1–3; 1 Sam. 14:24)
To influence God (2 Sam. 12:16–23)
To mourn for the dead (1 Sam. 31:13; 2 Sam. 1:12)
To request God’s help in times of crisis and calamity (Ezra 8:21–23; Neh. 1:4–11)
To strengthen prayer (Matt. 17:21; Mark 9:17–29; Acts 10:30; 1 Cor. 7:5)"

I am only just beginning my study on spiritual fasting. The only thing I could recall hearing about fasting before, was from a teaching in Mark 9:29 speaking about a devil that the disciples could not cast out, because "This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting."

I would encourage others to also look into fasting and prayer. If nothing more to you, it would be an interesting study.

Getting to Heaven by Works.

Many people believe they can work their way to heaven; If their good outweighs their bad they will be saved from hell. There are a few problems with this line of thought.
Firstly, God is a good judge. He will judges all things, secret and known; good and evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:14
For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil. (2 Timothy 4:8 )

If He let someone off from punishment of bad things, because they did mostly good things, He could not be a good and righteous judge. I like the example given in the movie Courageous. "Nathan Hayes: "Ok. Suppose she (your mom) was brutally attacked, and murdered in a parking lot. The guy was caught and put on trial. They guy says hey judge, I've committed this crime, but I've done a lot of good in my life. If the judge let him go free, would you say he was a good judge or a bad judge?" ..."because the Bible says that God is a good judge, and He will punish the guilty, not for what they did right, but for what they did wrong. Because He loves us, He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to take the punishment that we deserved, and put it on Himself, and that's why He died on the cross. But it only applies, if you accept it. That's why I asked for his forgiveness. I asked Him to save me. And I'm a new man because of Christ. You understand what I'm telling you? Then what's holding you back?"

Secondly, the bible says that you can't get to heaven by works.
Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

BUT this does not mean you can go to heaven work-free!

hows that you ask?

Because simply having faith in God is a work. Once you truly have a faith in the Almighty, you will follow Him; which is another work of many works. 

James2:17, 20, 26 

17Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
20But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?
26For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

Faith, is not real faith, unless you act on it. You can say you have faith in a chair all you want, but until you sit in it, the claimed faith is useless.

Until you live depending on God, trusting Him with all your life, your claimed faith in God is dead.

This is the works to get to heaven: Trusting God, Loving God, Believing God, Following God.

and note, "Believing God" is not "Believing in God" but believing what He says, and what He has done.

For Jesus.

One of my biggest battles has been doing things for people I don't like. I don't want to do things for people who don't like me, and who are against God. I want to scream at them that they are going to Hell and that nothing I can do for them will change that. I want to sit up on a pedestal, and be too good to do anything for them. This is a battle of pride. Many excuses, or reasons, or other names to call it, can not change what it is at the heart.

Today, I was asked to move an object from one place to another place. The object was not that heavy, nor was it to be moved so very far. But with all of me I did not want to do it, because of who asked me to. I knew in my heart that I should, and so I gave no answer, and battled within myself. Then I mentioned it to Granny when the subject arose that the object needs to be moved. I said "I still haven't decided if I'm going to do it or not." And with that, she goes over and tests the objects weight (as she did not before know), comments about how light it is, and moves it.

This stabbed me in the heart. It was a simple task, why was it so hard for me to accept it? Because I didn't want to do it FOR the asker. I knew that, but why did that really matter? Granny then mentions several things still needing to be done, and I volunteer. Why? Because I'd love to do things FOR her.
This all did not come to my mind as it happened, but as I did the tasks, God gave me a song that cut me right through the heart.

"I wonder have I done my best for Jesus,
Who died upon the cruel tree?
To think of His great sacrifice at Calvary!
I know my Lord expects the best from me.

Refrain:
"How many are the lost that I have lifted?
How many are the chained I’ve helped to free?
I wonder, have I done my best for Jesus,
When He has done so much for me?

"The hours that I have wasted are so many
The hours I’ve spent for Christ so few;
Because of all my lack of love for Jesus,
I wonder if His heart is breaking too.

"I wonder have I cared enough for others,
Or have I let them die alone?
I might have helped a wand’rer to the Saviour,
The seed of precious Life I might have sown.

"No longer will I stay within the valley
I’ll climb to mountain heights above;
The world is dying now for want of someone
To tell them of the Saviour’s matchless love."


John 15:15-20
Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
These things I command you, that ye love one another. If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.
Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.

Prov25 21-22 If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee.

God loves to work THROUGH His children. I am to be a vessel for Him to fill with His Spirit that others may receive the gift of Living Water. I need to keep my focus on Him, so that everything I do is for Him, no matter who else may benefit.

Love=Salvation?

After hearing the last verse in "Jesus Love Me" (If I love Him, when I die, He will take me home on high) a few questions arose to me.
"Can one be saved if they don't know what love is?"
"Do we *have* to love Christ to be saved?"
I thought on this, and began seeking God, and what His Word has to say about it.

I thought, well, first, what IS love?
1st Cor13:4-8

4 Charity suffereth long, 

and is kind; 

charity envieth not; 

charity vaunteth not itself, 

is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, 

seeketh not her own, 

is not easily provoked, 

thinketh no evil;6 

Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, 

believeth all things, 

hopeth all things, 

endureth all things.

8a Charity never faileth:

Okay, Anything else?

John 3:16

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Love is Sacrifice.

Without knowing that love is sacrifice, how can anyone understand the Love of God to accept it?

So, to answer "Can one be saved if they don't know what love is?" No. You have to learn what love is to be able to truly accept it.

You can say "I love you" but if you think love is sex, than all you are really saying is "I enjoy sexing you."

If you know love is the action of choice, a sacrifice, than saying "I love you" means "I CHOOSE you. I SACRIFICE (things) for you."

Love as such has many meanings.

commonly used: "I loved that movie!" means you enjoyed something. In this case the movie.

There are also different kinds of love. 

"Human love" which is a lust, a wanting. 

"Spiritual love" Which is a caring for/about. 

and "Godly love" Which is a sacrifice, and a choosing.

So, my other question was "Do we *have* to love God to be saved?"

I refer you back to John3:16 "Whosoever believeth" 

So, is that it?

James2:18-26 has more to say about it.

18 Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.

19 Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.

20 But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?

21 Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar?

22 Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?

23 And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.

24 Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.

25 Likewise also was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way?

26 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

so, what does that mean? That everyone has to work their way to heaven? No. It means that our belief in Jesus Christ will produce the fruit of working and serving Him. 

Romans10:9-10

9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Believing is the first step in a whole marathon with the Lord. There is always the choice to turn away from Him. To return to the sins that one once chose to forsake in the name of the Lord. And there is always the choice to return (Isa55:7). In conclusion, I believe one does not have to love(Godly) the Lord to be saved from hell fire, but that Love should come and a whole new life born from it. That after the acceptance of the Love of God, it begins the Spring of Living Water flowing up within, and soon overflows with the Love of God-of Loving God. The Fruit of the Spirit begin to grow as it drinks of the Water in you.

Salvation is not the end, but the beginning of so much more.